mikkalicious17

My Life Inside and Out

By: Mikka Donna Paras

          All my life I think I was destined to be hurt. My happy family fell apart when I was six. Then when I was ten a heart attack took away my only strength, my grandfather. Since then I knew life would be hard. I had nothing to hold on to anymore. I had no where and no one to run to when I get hurt. All I can do is to keep it to myself and keep it together. My siblings looked up to me, I had to be strong. I had to protect them from the pain that I was going through. I had to have that smile on my face even if I was slowly dying inside. Nobody has to know, but me.

          Then my teen years came, oh what joy it brought. I started having friends, but still I kept the pain inside me. I never really opened up to anybody because I thought it was a sign of weakness. Then he came to my life, my first love. He had the cutest smile that took my breathe away each and every time I saw it. I really never liked him at first, he had a bad boy image at school and knowing me…I just had to stay away from him, because I knew it was the right thing to do. Yet God do work in his own ways. The next school year we were classmate…wow!!!

          Slowly, we became friends and spent the whole day together talking about non sense. I felt that he really cared about me, the way he scolds me when I’m late for school or the way he tells me that something doesn’t really looked right on me just because everyone else had it. Time passed by and we became closer and closer, I really thought he was the one. Sadly, not everybody meets their prince charming on the first try…lol!!! We eventually fell apart. At first, I thought I only wanted my friend back, but I was wrong. I never cared for someone like I did with him before. Then I woke up one morning and realized that I had fallen in love with him with.

          Nobody knew about it in my family. I cried every single night over something that I know I can never have again. I had lost my first love, but I didn’t sat down and do nothing about it. I did try to get him back, but it was too late. Eventually, it was time to move on and I knew it. I had moved to a different country to help me get my life together. It was hard it took me awhile, but eventually I did. Then the time came that I thought I was ready to face him again, but once again I was too late. He already had a family. When I saw his wife I was fine with it, but when I saw his little boy…I was crushed. I started crying out of nowhere, because right then and there I knew my fantasies of being with him are over…what a wake up call don’t you think???

          Then my teen years were over right then I knew it was time to grow up. I started dating again and knowing how unfortunate I am with guys, I met the wrong guy after another. Then “Soldier Boy” came into my life, and again this guy swept off my feet. He knew what the right thing to say every time we talked. Yet we could never be, because he knew he had to go away and according to him he didn’t want to break my heart. I had been through a lot with this guy, and it came to the point that I really don’t want believe what he says. Yet when he holds your hands and looks you in the eyes and says “I’m real” it was just so hard not to believe.

          The time came when I was ready to move on from him, I was pushing him away to go on and be with someone else. Yet he wouldn’t give up, he wanted to see me for the last time before he left. I was ready to walk away until he told me to give him a chance so when the time comes we won’t ask “what if?” So I did. I had closure that night and I was thankful I did come out and talked to him. I didn’t hear anything from him since he left. I knew by then it was over with me and “Soldier Boy”.

          The time came when I had to go back home, because my grandfather died. It was really painful for me because again I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye to another grandfather. I may not had been close to him the way I was with the other grandfather, but I love them both so much and equally. When I went home I had the chance to see my father again and all my other relatives. I was so happy being with them again. I had the chance to see old friends wearing older faces, but still had the same attitudes that once made me laugh. I didn’t realize how much I missed them not until I saw them again. One month had passed so fast and I had to go back here in the states.

          After my college graduation, I had to go back to work. I didn’t know what was waiting for me when I did. When I came back one of my co-workers was asking me to go out on a date with him. I hesitated for about a month, because I knew that it’s not really a good idea to date a co-worker. He was very persistent and a day would not pass without him asking me to go out with him. So eventually I did, we went to watch a movie on my birthday. After all it was my 21^st birthday I had to do something. So we did, I had a great time with him. We came to the point where we were officially dating and exclusively dating, but sadly it didn’t go anywhere from there. The relationship became stagnant and I felt like it wasn’t going anywhere anymore.

          I held on for four months and towards the end guess who came back and decided to say holla??? Yes it was “Soldier Boy” after six months I didn’t hear anything from him and then I finally did. I was so confused at that time I didn’t know what to do. I thought I had moved on from “Soldier Boy”, but as soon as he entered my life again I was once again affected with everything he does. I had found so many things that had been kept to me for so long. It gave me so much pain to find out about things that had been kept from you for so long and all of a sudden it will smack you in the face when you least expect it.

So now it all had to come to an end, with both of them. I had to move on and think of myself. I am just happy that I had my friends by my side all these years. I had been through up and downs with these people and none of them really left my side. We may not see each other every single day, but I know that they’re there to catch me when I fall. I also thank my sister for listening to all my pathetic stories about my life and tell me how stupid I can be. It hurts, but I need someone to keep me straight.

          Not to long ago, I went to a retreat that made me realize that there will always be someone that I can always run to. He had always been there for me, but I was blinded by the pain that I was going through and the fear of showing my weakness. Yet now I have come to realize that God is always there for me. Like I said he gave me friends to catch me when I fall and my siblings to stand by me no matter what. Now I am starting a new chapter of my life. Picking up the broken pieces of my heart one by one, till the day comes when I will be whole again. Ready to face the world and say I am happy.

it’s been almost three months when we tried to make it work, but somehow we settled for something else. yet as the time passes by i am starting to question myself why i am still hanging on when i know that we ain’t going no where. it’s funny when i had my eyes focused on u, but like i said as time passes by i am starting to see other guys again.they start existing in my life again. is this a sign that i’m almost letting go? i always kept my guard up when it comes to u, so scared of getting hurt. u made me cry when u told me u didn’t know what u want. yet u stayed in my life and hang around. i got so used to u being there. yet now i come to this point where i know the right thing to do is to let go, but it was easier said and done.

but after almost 3 months…i think i am almost ready to…i see where i stand in your life and i don’t wanna be stuck there forever. i am not saying goodbye just yet…but i am getting there…

ok i’m really confused…what does it means when a guy tells you… "from now on you are mine" …does that mean your together??? what if you don’t want to??? ok maybe you want to, but your’e not sure…lol!!! does that mean that your’e his, but is he yours???? ah gosh i’m so freakin confused….

and i really did, but i got so tired when i got home…..lol!!!! yet it’s all good i don’t know what’s gonna happen next, but we’ll see….bored again…lol

bakit ganun everytime you will first meet a guy they will tell you that they’re different, then you will fall for it, then you will see there true colors.they all want the same freaking thing. why can’t they like me for simpy being me…not bcoz of my damn boobs…lol!!!! so u see girls having big boobs is not always good…trust me i know…lol!!!!!

i dunno what’s wrong with me anymore…why am i so scared to take the risk….arggg!!!!am i really that f*cked up bcoz of my past????i really never had a problem with it before, why now??? maybe bcoz i’m just scared that at my age the guys that i prefer are ready to settle down and i’m not. wahahahaha paranoid mode again…that is what work, school, and stress does to me…look @ my damn sched where will i fit u????ahahahahahaha!!!!!!

  omg i dunno what to do anymore. I had so much drama during these last 2 weeks, but i don’t even care about that anymore. i’m ok now, but something’s up with me. y’all know that i’m very picky when it comes to guys. y’all know that i don’t like taking chances because i’m afraid to get hurt again. yet recently i met someone and it makes me wonder why i miss him.i don’t want this feeling and i want it to end right now. i’ve been down that road before and it didn’t had a happy ending. i’ve been hurt so many times to fall for this kind of thing again. yet it makes me wonder…is it time for me to jump the jump or just stay in my lil’ corner to be safe and secure ? see how some guy f***ed me up…now all the guys that i could’ve been happy never had the chance, because i tend to run away from ‘em.

p.s. don’t worry after a week or two i’ll forget about this drama and move on…if his not the right one…lol!!!freakin’ time difference…lol!!!!!

gosh super sakit, pro ok lang naiyak q na lahat kagabi and that’s that…once again tears fell down from my eyes although this time it’s not really about you.it’s something deeper than that.i know that i’ve let go of you a long ass time ago, but the thought of the dreams that i once had will never ever happen hit me all of a sudden in a different way.there are too many people involve now and that is why i am really moving on with my life.matagal na me na ndi umaasa, pro ewan q basta…kulet kasi ndi mapigilan ang katigasan nang ulo. y’all don’t worry about me i’m fine, minsan madrama lang talaga aq…ahahahaha!!!hay wanted prince charming…nasan ka ba>????naman kasi eh and2 lng aq, bkt ba pinauuna mo yung mga mr. wrong…..ayan tuloy nawawalan na me nang gana…siniserioso ata aq nang diyos gusto yata talaga aq pagmadrehin…hahahah!!!!!

What am I to you?
Tell me darling true
To me you are the sea
Fast as you can be
And deep the shade of blue

When you’re feeling low
To whom else do you go
I cry if you hurt
I’d give you my last shirt
Because I love you so

And if my sky should fall
Would you even call?
I opened up my heart
I never want to part
I’m giving you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
I will love you when you’re blue
Tell me darlin’ true
What am I to you?

Yeah well if my sky should fall
Would you even call?
I opened up my heart
I never wanna part
I’m giving you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
Could you find a love in me?
Could you carve me in a tree?
Don’t fill my heart with lies

I will you love when you’re blue
Tell me darlin’ true
What am I to you?